


Hashtags and Heartbreak

by hxwell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Big Bang Challenge, Coming Out, M/M, Near Future, Phandom Big Bang, Social Commentary, Social Media
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 15:13:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 10,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5009593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hxwell/pseuds/hxwell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan and Phil knew how they would feel after coming out to the world. The fans were a different story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. June 2016

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! I'm so happy to finally share with y'all this giant fic that I have been (sorta secretly?) working on for months now! I really had a fun time writing it, so I hope you all enjoy it as well ^_^ This was written for the tumblr Phandom Big Bang: phandombigbang.co.vu. Thanks to warriorsofalicante for being my (insanely incredible and absolutely fabulous) beta, and for howellsprincess for stepping in to do art at the very last minute and doing an awesome job with it!! (I'll put a link in to the playlist she made when we post on tumblr!) So enjoy~

“Hello, Internet.” Dan stopped for a minute and laughed slightly before continuing. “So I’m here with Phil-” Phil gave a slight wave to the camera- “and we have a very important announcement for you all today.”

“Yeah, this is probably the single most important thing we’ve ever told you guys. And I’m not exaggerating,” Phil added, staring at Dan.

“I mean, yeah, that’s fair,” Dan said, taking a deep breath. “This is something that a lot of you have wondered about over the years, and is probably going to change the way you view the whole ‘Dan and Phil’ thing, but in light of some recent personal and public events, we figured it was time to be completely honest with you guys.” Dan looked over at Phil, feeling like there were hornets swarming around in his stomach. “Do you want to tell them?”

“I don’t know, it’s your channel, shouldn’t you tell them?” Phil asked, just as nervous.

“Okay, how about we do it at the same time. Ready? One, two three-”

“We’re a couple.” Phil stated, smiling at the camera.

“PHAN IS REAL,” Dan screamed, mocking their fans while also sharing their sentiments. They both started laughing, unable to control themselves. Phil doubled over in a fit of giggles  and grabbed onto Dan’s hand for support. He almost stopped himself, but realized with joy he could do that now - they had nothing more to hide.

Phil finally controlled himself. “So, anyway,” he laughed, “that’s a thing.”

“Yeah, so you’re probably freaking out in some way another, and we get that, this is a big announcement,” Dan continued. He looked over at Phil, and wrapped his arm around Phil’s shoulder.  “But - and I’d like to think that we don’t ask a lot of you guys - we do want to be very clear about a couple things.” This was basically how they had planned it out; Dan would do the set up as the “voice of Dan and Phil” but Phil would actually lay down the rules, as he was always better at that kind of stuff.

“First of all, please respect our privacy, especially regarding the past. We’d prefer to not talk about everything that’s happened between us - all you have to know is that we’re happy and together at this very moment.”

“Yeah, like, we’re people too, so just like you hopefully wouldn’t stalk someone’s profile on Facebook, don’t stalk us either? That’s pretty basic stuff,” Dan added in, shrugging.

“If we want to share stuff about our personal lives later, we’ll be the ones to give that information to you guys. On that note, you guys have been pretty good about not stalking us right now, so please continue to do that. This coming out means we’ll be more intimate in front of you guys and like make bad couple jokes and stuff, but we’d still like to remain fairly private in our relationship. We don’t want this to change a lot - our videos are still going to be pretty much the same as always.”

“Yeah, don’t expect three million couples’ challenges or anything,” Dan added.

“I mean, we did do the blindfolded makeup challenge…”

“But that was different! It was for charity! That’s irrelevant!” Dan jokingly protested.

“Anyway, that’s...that’s about it. I mean, this is a really boring way to end the video, isn’t it?”

“We could make out,” Dan deadpanned.

“I mean, if you insist,” Phil smirked. They left it at just one, no-tongue-involved kiss - just enough to confirm to the fans that yes, they were definitely together, and no, this was not a joke video. They pulled away, both of them grinning.  
“Can’t wait to see gifs of that on Tumblr,” Dan grinned.

“Are we done now? I feel like we’re done now,” Phil asked.

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“Okay, bye Internet,” they said in unison, glancing with amusement at each other.

“Jesus Christ, we really need to stop doing that,” Dan murmured before leaning in to kiss Phil again. Later, he decided to to cut it out and end the video right before their lips touched.


	2. July 2016

Dan lazily leaned over Phil’s shoulder as he looked over the computer screen.His neck felt like it was going to snap in half after their marathon session of editing.   “Did you get the video up?” Dan asked.

“Yeah, I’m just tweeting it out right now,” Phil replied. “It just finished rendering.”  
“Alright, I’ll reply with something - any suggestions?”

“I mean, I don’t know exactly how much more you can hype up the fact that we just did the Boyfriend Challenge.”

“Yeah, contrary to everyone’s belief - wait, I thought of something, tweet your thing out.”

_**@AmazingPhil: Check out the new video @danisnotonfire and I made! By popular demand- THE BOYFRIEND TAG! :O youtube.com/fw7…** _

_**@danisnotonfire: yep contrary to everything i’ve ever stood for i did yet ANOTHER challenge video with @amazingphil it’s 2016 smh youtube.com/fw7…** _

Phil refreshed his twitter feed to see Dan’s reply. “That’s perfect,” he smiled. “It’s a good amount of like, encouraging without being too sappy, I guess?”

“Ah yes, me, Dan Howell, the sappiest boyfriend in the entire galaxy. Of course,” Dan deadpanned.

“I mean, last Thursday night with the chocolates and the mixtape…” Phil said with a mischievous grin.

“Oh, shut up,” Dan said, trying not to laugh.

“Dan, you are the _only person_ I can possibly think of who would make a mixtape to fuck to. Not a mixtape for someone else to fuck to! Or for anyone in general to fuck to! A mixtape for _solely themselves to fuck to_.”

Dan blushed, glancing sheepishly . “I just wanted it to be right.”

“You know I’m kidding,” Phil smiled, and leaned back to quickly kiss Dan. “Now come on, let’s see how the fans are doing.”

Phil refreshed his twitter mentions and was greeted with an onslaught of messages.

_**@phantastic: @amazingphil IM SCREAMING THIS IS THE BEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN OMGHEIOFAHEOGEATE** _

_**@flowersjpg: i haven’t watched it yet is it a sextape please say yes @amazingphil** _

_**@amazongphol: #phanboyfriendtag @amazingphil** _

“#phanboyfriendtag is trending, in case you didn’t notice,” Dan pointed out.

“Wow, look at us, breaking the internet.”

“Who are we, Kim Kardashian?”

“Wait, keep scrolling down,” Phil interrupted, pointing at a specific tweet at the bottom of the page.

_**@21phanlots: THE PART ABOUT YOUR FIRST DATE I’M DEAD. YOU GUYS KILLED ME WITH YOUR CUTENESS @amazingphil @danisnotonfire** _

“This one?” Dan asked. “What did you want me to see about this one?”

“No, the one under it,” Phil replied.

_**@girlfromtheinternet: Disappointed in @amazingphil and @danisnotonfire for #phanboyfriendtag. Disgusting. Glad I unsubscribed.** _

Phil looked back up at Dan. “See?”

“Oh, come on,” Dan replied, lightly shaking Phil’s shoulder. “Don’t worry about it! Just block and report, remember? Look at all of these positive notifications-” he gestured to the page filled with happy fans- “and then there’s one negative reaction. There’s always gonna be jerks in the world, nothing we can do about it.”

“It’s just like, it’s about our relationship? It’s just disheartening to see someone hate on something so personal, I guess.”

“It’s just a video, though,” Dan continued. “And if they don’t like the video content that we put out, so what? No different from any other type of hate. Not everyone is gonna like all our stuff, but there are so many more people who are enjoying the new us.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Phil said, smiling slightly.

“Now come on, do you wanna check out the tumblr reaction?” Dan asked. For the first time in his life, he was actually tracking #phan on tumblr.

“Now that sounds like a terrible idea. Let’s do it,” Phil laughed.


	3. August 2016

“Are you ready?” Dan asked Phil as they stood behind the thick vinyl curtain. He thought about wandering back into the green room and grabbing one or two or maybe five bottles of water, but he didn’t have time. Dan’s stomach turned as he heard the quiet chatter of everything going on around them. They were separated from the insanity by one piece of fabric. He squeezed Phil’s hand until it turned red. He had never been this nervous just to do a simple meet and greet - but it was obviously different this time.  
“Ready as I ever am,” Phil said, grinning. “I mean, you know I love meeting the fans, it’s honestly such a surreal experience, but couldn’t we at least have chairs? I don’t like standing for five hours,” Phil pretended to whine, hoping it would make Dan feel more relaxed.

“True.” Dan saw past what Phil was doing and quickly glossed over it. “It’s just so weird that we can hold hands now while we walk out.”

“We already held hands today, while walking out to the New to Old Media panel, remember?”

“Yeah, but I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the openness after we’ve been quiet for so long,” Dan grinned.

“Then let’s go enjoy the openness.”

“I hope we can.”

They walked out to screaming, flower crowns, Vidcon badges, and more screaming. They waved to the group with their free hands, grinning. Phil saw a couple of girls starting to hyperventilate and he prayed that they wouldn’t pass out - he always felt bad when that happened. Dan was simply amazed at how many people were wearing the new Dan and Phil merch he had designed. He didn’t think shirts that were all black and just said #phan in comic sans would be that popular, but here they were. They took their places at the front of the room, which simply had a giant table for them to put any presents on. In front of them were 250 fans, waiting patiently (or not-so-patiently) to meet them. Unlike a couple of their friends, their meetup was in its own breakout room, so there was no noise from one of the stage to compete with - just them and the sheer loudness of their fans.

The first fan came up, hugged the two of them, and took a selfie between them. She also gave them two letters covered in Pokemon stickers and had them say hi to her younger sister who didn’t make it to Vidcon on the phone. They waved goodbye and Dan leaned towards Phil, whispering, “So that’s it? No screaming about our relationship? No making us do coupley poses?”

“The fans like us as people, Dan,” Phil whispered back. “Us being in a relationship is just an added bonus. They came to the Dan and Phil meetup, not the Phan meetup.”

“That’s fucking deep,” Dan smiled before realizing they had left a timid-looking girl waiting in front of them. “Hi! How are you?”

She finally asked for a hug, after a lot of mumbling, and then after her was the boy who insisted that this was all his sister’s idea and he was just tagging along before realizing that his lockscreen was clearly a screencap from the coming out video. Then came the aforementioned sister, who was crying, and Phil had security grab a couple boxes of tissues they could leave on their present table.

They went on, meeting fans and taking selfies, but their relationship did come up a couple times. First was the older girl who pulled a paper Lush bag out of her purse and handed it to them. “I got you guys one of the massage bars,” she explained as Dan pulled out an oval of solid lotion with a small flower on the surface. “You can rub them between your hands and use it as like a massage oil. The person in the Lush store said they were good for couples, and I’m single, so…” She looked at the ground apprehensively.

“Well we’re the perfect two people to bestow this upon then!” Dan exclaimed, and the girl’s face lit up. “Thank you so much!” As she left, Dan murmured to Phil, “It’s incredible, because like a year ago that would have been the weirdest interaction ever, but now it’s so natural?”

“Told you it would be alright,” Phil said, patting Dan on the back lightly. He heard a short burst of screaming from the side of the room that could see their backs, and rolled his eyes. Some things would never change.

Later there was the girl who brought Dan an “If lost, return to Phil” t-shirt and a “I am Phil” t-shirt for Phil - “I almost brought these when I met you guys on the tour last year, but I thought it would be weird, so hopefully now it’s all good?”

“I am three million percent going to make Phil wear this in public and he is going to HATE IT.”

“What if we switched shirts and you wore the I am Phil one?”

“Why Phil? Why in any universe would we do that?”

“I don’t know, it would be funny! Everyone would be confused! And yeah, it’s all good now, Danielle,” Phil added, reading the girl’s name badge. “We love them, thank you so much.”

Then there was the two girls who came up to them asking for YouTube advice. “Do you think starting a couple’s channel would be a good idea?”  
“Depending on what you’d do on it,” Dan started.

“We were thinking with starting with challenge videos…”

“That would probably be good, because then you don’t have to share too much about your personal life with the world. It’s tempting, but you want to keep some level of intimacy for yourselves.”

“Yeah, and I would suggest having separate channels for yourselves as well as a couple’s channel. Show the world that you’re more than just your relationship,” Phil added.

“So is DanAndPhilGAMES your couple’s channel?” One of the girls said with a smirk.

“Alright, when you put it that way,” Dan laughed, and Phil blushed. “I guess it could potentially be considered a couple’s channel."

But finally, when there were about 20 people left in the breakroom, a boy walked up to them. After the usual hugs/selfie, he handed them two letters on colorful paper. “It elaborates more in the letter, but I just wanted to mention that you guys coming out really helped me come out as well. I was in the closet for about four years, and your video really was the final little push I needed.”

Dan’s eyes lit up. “We’re so glad to hear that.”.

“Yeah, a lot of the reason we wanted to come out is so that we could help our LGBT fans. And now that we’re out, we’re really glad it is helping,” Phil smiled.

“Well thank you guys so much, seriously,” the boy said. “It was great meeting you two.”

“Yeah, it was awesome meeting you too!” Dan called as he walked off.

“And good luck with everything!” Phil added.

Finally, after three and a half hours of standing, taking selfies, and hugging, they were done. Dan and Phil looked around the break room, now empty except for a few workers starting to pack up the chairs. “Thanks for the help, guys,” Phil said, waving to them as they started walking out and into the backstage area of Vidcon.

“Well frankly, I’m shocked,” Dan said.

“Why?”

“Not a single person asked us to kiss.”

“Did you want them to? Because we can always just do that now,” Phil smirked.

“Yeah, that’s fair.” He leaned in towards Phil. There was still a little voice from years past, reminding him that they needed to go into a closet or somewhere private before they started the PDA, but the new him wanted the whole world to see.


	4. September 2016

“We’re not filming this, right?” Dan asked Phil apprehensively.

“Yeah, of course not. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for a fourth round of tumblr tag videos.”

“It’s just too much, isn’t it?”

“It’ll be fun to look at them ourselves though.”

Dan opened up the phan tag on tumblr and was immediately greeted with a drawing of their coming out video kiss.

“So that’s still a thing?” Phil had mainly avoided the phan tag - he thought that the tag was the fans’ room to express themselves, and he shouldn’t intervene. Dan, however, had kept up with all of the trends and sayings that the fandom had come up with.

“Yeah, it’s like 70% of the tag on any given day. I mean, that video is how our next hundred thousand subscribers found us, right? And the video did bring your numbers up to mine,” Dan explained. After the coming out video, Dan’s channel remained with about five million subscribers, but Phil jumped from four and a half to five million. “For the most part the rest of the tag is the same as before, except now they have all these new phrases.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, let’s find some.”

He scrolled down to the next post, which started with “some angsty bpco headcanons for you all.”

“So BPCO, right? That’s just “before phan came out”, and then there’s “apco”, for after phan came out. Some people use before!phan and after!phan for simplicity, so you’ll see that too.”

Dan was about to continue scrolling, but Phil chimed in. “Wait, I want to read some angsty BPCO headcanons,” he laughed.

  * _Dan wore bracelets around his wrist to give him something to do with his hands when he wanted to put his hand on Phil’s leg or something_

  * _Phil had mapped out all the restaurants over three miles away from their apartment, because those were the ones they could go to without fans seeing_

  * _They had their own headcanons about after!phan. Dan usually rambled on to Phil about it, but Phil wrote his down in a notebook_

  * _They never had a plan to come out until they went on the double date with Chris and his new boyfriend and saw how awesome it was to talk to the fans about a relationship_




“Hold up,” Phil laughed. “They were all scarily accurate up until that one. Even we didn’t know that Chris and Shawn were dating before that night.”

“Yeah, leave it to Chris to come out to even his friends by holding up a camera and going ‘So I’m here with Dan and Phil and my boyfriend…’”

Phil laughed before noticing that at the bottom of the post, the person had a headcanon that started with “Not a valenfake, but when Dan was crafting up the reason why the vdv came out…”

“Okay, that makes sense, but please tell me that valentrue and valenfake aren’t what I think they’re about. Although VDV is not promising,” Phil asked.

“Sorry, but yeah. VDV is exactly what you think it is, and it started  around late 2015, I think? So not because of the coming out. Valentrue and valenfake, however, are directly created by the PCO - that’s just the “phan coming out”, like the video- God, why am I using acronyms to describe my life?”

“I just find it amusing that you have the entire morphology of their lingo mapped out,” Phil laughed.

“Yeah, look at me, Mr. Linguistics.”

“It is kind of annoying that they’re still bringing up the video, though. Do you think I should still claim copyright on it?”

“Well, they’re just trying to construct their own narrative of our past, which, I mean, I don’t blame them. But we did agree - and I still want to keep it that  way, I don’t know about you - that we want to keep it a mystery. They speculated about the video before we came out, and now they’re doing just the same.”

“So do you think I should keep claiming copyright on it?” Phil repeated.

“Well, like I said, it’s pretty much the same speculation as beforehand, so nothing’s really changed in that regard, so do whatever you want. The main thing in general is that now that they have proof that we’re a couple. Since there’s no need for anyone to speculate about that anymore, they have all this free time to come up with incredibly elaborate backstories for our life. And it’s just making people who have different interpretations of our lives disagree more.They’re two steps away from qualifying to be classified as political parties. Like, there’s factions. It’s kinda like that Reddit button thing in 2015.”

“Oh wow, I don’t know if I want to hear about those.”

“But, Philly, I think you do.” Dan laughed while continuing to scroll  through the tumblr tag. “Here, I’ll try to find a post explaining it - wait, this is perfect,” Dan said, stopping on a post titled “Phactions For Dummies.”

Phil smiled, confused. “You know, out of all the mashups of “phan” and other words I’ve ever thought possible, “phan” and “factions” was definitely not one of them.”

“Just wait,” Dan grinned.  “Read the rest of it.”

“Should I be scared?”

“You should be mildly scared. I’d say like a 7.5 on the scared scale.”

Phil started to read the article, tilting his head.

_Netphans- people who think Dan and Phil started dating via the internet, instead of them dating after they met in person. Usually (by coincidence) valentrues. **  
**_

_Pinofers- people who use the first phil is not on fire as a starting point for Dan and Phil’s relationship (saying that either their relationship didn’t exist before pinof 1, or that pinof 1 was what really made their relationshp stable/what it is today - either is considered a pinofer.)_

_Valentrues- people who think the vdv was real/heartfelt._

_Valenfakes- people who believe Dan’s explanation for why the vdv existed._

_(if you don’t know what vdv stands for, please go ask someone else because I don’t want to get into the drama of all of that on my blog xx)_

_Pubs- people who think Dan and Phil just came out for the viewer spike (which is what their large increase in subscribers is usually referred to as), and it was just a publicity stunt. Sometimes accidentally reffered to as PubPs (Publicity Phans), but most of the time they aren’t part of the phandom. Also valenfakes, but because they think the vdv was also for publicity. A very very very small group of people who, even though the rest of the phactions get along fine with each other, are hated by all other phactions._

_ConPs (Continuous Phans)- people who think that phan has been together the entire time between their meeting in 2009 to the present day. Are usually valentrues.  Sometimes are netphans, but also mainly a large group of pinofers._

_BPs (Break Phans)- people who think they got together, broke up at some point (usually around 2012), and then got back together. Are about 50/50  valentrues/valenfakes. Often netphans, but not exclusively._

_ColdPs (Cold Phans)- Break Phans, but are extremely sure that there was a break in 2012, and that this was due to fan interaction/the vdv (for this reason they’re usually valentrues.) Although some BPs think it was just a strained relationship, ColdPs believe that there was a strict breakup at this time._

_hopefully this cleared some things up! happy shipping xx_

_“So, what do you think?” Dan said, looking nervously over at Phil. He was praying that he hadn’t weirded Phil out. “I know it’s really weird, because like, obviously only one of those groups is right-” **  
**_

“I mean, it confuses me a lot, but the pubs is mainly what worries me,” Phil said. “Like really? Who would fake a relationship for publicity?”

“I mean, there was the Joe Sugg coming out scandal ..”

“Right. But it also sounds like the rest of them get along, which I’m happy about.”

“Yeah. For all the clashing opinions they have about our lives, they seem to be pretty chill. Like, their friends aren’t decided by their “phaction”, which is good.”

“I mean, that’s just what this post is saying,” Phil added. “We have no proof that they’re not fighting.”  
“That’s very true. But this post has what, 10,000 notes? I think we’re going to have to trust what it says.”  
“Yeah, so until proven otherwise, it’s nice to know that they’re not fighting.”

“And  that’s honestly all we could ask for.”

“Exactly!”

“Although I wish maybe there was something else they could put their time into instead of speculating about us so much. It’s a little obsessive, isn’t it? ”

“Phil, we are two people who can name every single Pokemon off the top of our heads. Are we really qualified to preach anti-obsession rhetoric?”


	5. October 2016

“Hello there everyone, I’m Stephanie Poole, and today on Candid Conversation, our first guest is BBC’s own Dan Howell.” Dan smiled and waved before remembering he was on the radio, and no one could see him.

“Hi Stephanie, it’s great to be here.”

“Now, Dan, it’s really rare that we feature people from the radio station on the show, but you’ve recently shared some exciting news with the world. In June 2016, Dan announced  that he was dating his longtime co-worker, Phil Lester, and today he’s here for the first time to discuss coming out, how it’s changed his world, and basically the whole process of it.”

“Yeah, there’s a lot more to it than people think, I assume,” Dan added. “I want to really explain the whole process to people.”

“Speaking of the process, let’s start at  the beginning. How did you guys decide to come out? What was the turning point where you decided that you wanted your relationship to become public?”

“Well, I’d say talk of it has been between the two of us since, I don’t know, 2014 or so? But it was all very preliminary, and we were able to keep our act together, I guess. That was something we discussed a lot, before we were out - how to keep up the act of being ‘just friends.’ But then, there was a point in about April of this year, I’d say, where we just became fed up with the whole thing , you know? Like, it’s frustrating to go on a date and having to hide it. We just wanted to be free from having to lie to our fans. And we planned for it, we made sure it was really what we wanted to do, and here we are.”

“How did you deal with your relationship before coming out?”

“Well, the BBC and our co-workers were aware of our relationship and our desire to keep it private, which was a relief. It was mainly when we were ‘on stage’, is how we described it - when people could see us, we wanted to make sure we were giving off a similar image. It sounds quite silly, but Phil and I always say that we’re best friends before boyfriends, so it was just kind of dialing it down. And sometimes we weren’t great at that, and people would freak out, and we would have to remember what to do. But it worked out pretty well. We still wanted to have a full relationship even with the secrets, so we found restaurants that were more private and did a lot of double dating. We also learned that no one will realize what you’re doing if you simply don’t post about it on social media. And of course, we had our house to ourselves,” he smiled.

“I’m sure that was helpful as well,” the interviewer jested, smiling. “And how do you think things have changed, since the coming out?”

“Well, thankfully the fans have been very supportive, and we do feel like a big weight has been lifted off our shoulders,” Dan replied, saying the answers he had nervously practiced in the hallway beforehand. “It’s incredibly refreshing to just tweet something like ‘On a double date with Phil and our friends’ instead of having to be really cryptic about it. We’ve also gotten a lot of messages saying that our coming out has helped others come out, which is great to hear.”

“Could you elaborate on that? Do you feel like you’re now an icon for the LGBT community?”  
“Well, I hope I’m not, because I feel like I’m not qualified enough, to be honest. I’m just a regular old guy who happens to be dating another guy, and it’s always just something at the back of my mind, you know? That being said, of course I want to help out our LGBT fans, and Phil and I do strive to be role models that all sorts of kids can find themselves in.”

“Do you have any specific message for your LGBT fans?”

“I guess I’m trying to say that you can be open or secretive about your relationship, and it has nothing to do with your sexuality - your identity and the choices you make aren’t defined by a label. The message is sort of that everyone is their own individual, regardless of stereotypes around them.”

“That was very well put.”

“Thank you,” Dan smiled.

“Is there anything you would have done differently, if you were to have to go through the whole process again?”

“Honestly? I would have done it sooner. There’s a large part of our past that Phil and I really do wish to keep private, so if we had come out sooner there would be less backstory. We sometimes worry that people are concerned with what happened in our past, and our standpoint is that it really doesn’t matter, because we’re happy at this very moment and we want the whole world to see that.”  
“Are you bothered by the speculation? Have some people gone too far?”

“No, I wouldn’t say that at all. Like I said, people have been very respectful, and there will always be some level of speculation, because that’s just human nature. It hasn’t been intrusive in any way, which can be a problem with all sorts of public relationships, so we’re very thankful about that too. And after all, at the end of the day it all comes down to how the personal, private relationship between myself and Phil is doing. And right now, it’s excellent. We’ve never been happier.”

“ Well, that’s great to hear. Thank you very much, Dan.”

“Thank you so much for having me.”

“That was Radio One’s Dan Howell on Candid Conversation, discussing his coming out story. In just a few minutes, we’ll have Ryan Miller from Guster to talk about his artistic process. We’ll be right back here on BBC Radio Four.”

 


	6. November 2016

“Dan, you’ve been a critical member of YouTube’s growth as a media form. What does it feel like to be at the first Streamy Awards to be broadcast on American television?”  
“Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say that I didn’t expect it to ever get this big. It still feels weird dressing up in a suit and tie for these events, you know? I just make videos in my bedroom.”  
“Of course.” The reporter smiled and nodded, looking past Dan and Phil and into the camera. “For those of you just tuning in, I’m here with one of YouTube’s newest power couples, Dan Howell and Phil Lester.” Dan and Phil stood against the logo-covered background at the end of the red carpet, a large microphone between them. Cameras flashed from all directions. Dan and Phil were smartly dressed, nothing out of the ordinary between the two of them except the fact that they were quietly holding hands.

They gave the camera quick smiles and Phil leaned into the microphone. “We should add that we’re not really a new couple - just new to all of you,” he said, trying to stay polite.

“Oh, of course, sorry about that. Anyways, how has your relationship grown since you have revealed to the world that you two are, in fact, dating?”  
“It’s pretty much stayed the same,” Dan snapped. “Even though we’re a couple, we’d like to retain our individual identities.”  
“That make sense, but you two can’t help being compared to the next Zalfie.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t mind a wax figure of myself,” Phil smiled, squeezing Dan’s hand for support. He felt all sorts of nauseous, the camera flashes blindingly relentless.

The reporter laughed, and Phil noticed that her makeup was extremely thick on her cheeks. “Now, if it’s alright, we’re getting a lot of questions for you two through our fan hashtag, #AskTheStreamys, so would you two like to answer a couple of those?”

“Yeah, of course.”  
“This first one comes from @drivesmewild, and they ask: Have you guys been on any interesting/fun dates recently?”  
“Um, we’d prefer to keep that private,” Dan said quickly. “Sorry about that. We’d love to answer some other questions though.” He felt Phil’s hand loosen its grip before falling away from his entirely.

“That’s fine, here’s one from @valentruuu, Could you send a message to all the “Cold Phans” out there?”

“We’d really prefer not to-” Dan started, before Phil interrupted him.

“Figure out what that means,” he said. Dan breathed a sigh of relief. “We don’t really know what that means, so next question, I guess?”

“Sure. This one is from @joshhowell, and it’s asking why you two acted so distant in 2012.”

“That is strictly myself and Phil’s business,” Dan clipped.

There was a cold silence in the area, and the reporter hesitated. “Let’s go to another question. @patricksangel asks: When’s the next Phil Is Not On Fire video going to come out?”

“Sometime this month,” Phil responded quietly.

“Anything else to add?”

“Like the rest of them have been.”

“Maybe we should just go to commercial break,” the reporter suggested, and they both nodded their heads immediately. “Alright, after this commercial break we’ll have Louise Pentland here to talk about her new book, right here on your Streamys Red Carpet Pre-Show.”

The camera turned off, and Dan and Phil immediately dashed past the cameras and reporters on the red carpet into the men’s room. Phil got out his phone and started scrolling while Dan began to pace back and forth.

“I just can’t believe they had the nerve to bring that stuff up in such a public place, as if the whole glamorization of this event wasn’t enough-” He was messing up his hair, and his perfectly ironed suit started to crease.

“I mean, it’s mainly the reporter’s fault for picking those questions to ask us,” Phil added, still scrolling through his phone.

“Yeah, but the fans shouldn’t have put them in that hashtag, save it for the phan tag or whatever but don’t bring up shipping lingo somewhere where it’s like 80% guaranteed that we’ll see it-”

“Look at the tag now,” Phil interrupted, turning his phone towards Dan. Dan started slowly scrolling through the twitter hashtag.

_**@1989lester: #AskTheStreamys what did u guys do to dan and phil????? they just want to be left alone god** _

_**@howelling: #AskTheStreamys being really inconsiderate rn to d + p wow not cool @Streamys tone it down** _

“I guess that’s good? Taking their anger out on the wrong people, true, but at least they recognize it’s wrong,” Phil said thoughtfully, but Dan kept scrolling.

_**@phanic_everywhere: #AskTheStreamys dan and phil arent answering questions bc they KNOW that ConP is real!!! #SCREWCOLDP #CONPFORLIFE** _

_**@blockinouttheh8ers: alright dan and phil need to start answering qs on #AskTheStreamys. this is what happens when ur out ok that’s how being a couple works** _

_**@danisssnotonfire: you can’t just not tell us about ur dates??? like that’s not that big a deal?? plz chill??? #AskTheStreamys** _

“I guess not then.” Phil sighed.

“Do we have to stay for the actual awards show?”

“We’re nominated for best duo.”

“Yeah - I really can’t take that right now.”


	7. December 2016

_**@amazzzzingphil: i can feel it in the air that dan and phil are going to do #coupleschristmas. my body is ready** _

_**@loldemort: so @amazingphil and @danisnotonfire whens that #coupleschristmas video gonna be ready???** _

_**@marinaandthephan: when u have vivid hallucinations about what the phan #coupleschristmas video will include** _

“I’m sorry, what is that again?” Dan asked Phil as he scrolled through Twitter on his phone. They were sitting in their lounge, snow falling delicately outside, just slightly illuminated by Phil’s fairy lights.

“Oh yeah, I was going to mention that to you. Alfie and Zoe came up with it-”

“Oh god, what am I in for?”

“It’s not that bad. It’s just like a tag video for couples where they talk about their favorite things to do during the holidays together. Like they decorated a tree together in theirs.”

“Sounds petty. So did someone tag us in it?”

“No, but a couple other youtubers have done it without being tagged, like Jim and Tanya.”

“So they just expect us to do it?” Dan exclaimed.

“Well, we are a YouTube couple,” Phil shrugged.

“Yeah, but no one tagged us in it. It’s not like a given that we’ll make a certain type of a video - even if we were tagged, it still wouldn’t be a given. Making videos is our own decision.”

“Dan, the fans are really excited for it-”

“I can read the tweets.”

“Yeah, but that’s only one hashtag.” Phil opened twitter on his phone and showed a new page to Dan.

_**@phancuddling: #phanschristmas is gearing up to be one of the best videos ever** _

_**@danieljameshowl: what can we expect from #phanchristmas??? cookies?? presents?? sex??? all three???** _

_**@haiyoungblood: @danisnotonfire dont make us wax ur legs again if #phanchristmas doesnt come out soon** _

“See? Everyone’s expecting it to come out,” Phil sighed.

“Yeah, but that’s not exactly a good reason to do it though.”

“Listen, I get that it’s bothering you that the fans expect us to do videos on demand for them, especially specific types of videos, but I’m not freaking out over this because it’s such a harmless video. They just want us to bake some cookies and maybe hold hands or make bad mistletoe jokes. It won’t kill us-”

Dan took a deep breath, rubbing his temples. “It’s not that I’m objecting to holding hands with you in a video, Phil, I promise. Holding your hand is one of my favorite things to do in like, the whole world. I guess I’m just really sick of all the gifsets and edits of us holding hands, you know? They’re not watching for the cookie recipe or to learn what we do during the holidays or even for our dumb jokes. They watch a nine-minute video for the two seconds in which we hold hands. It’s as simple as that.”  
“Dan, people fixate on things during videos, they’re still watching the rest of it, they’re just choosing one part to gif, that’s how it works-”

“Yeah, but when you were publicly debating whether or not to do the Superhero Challenge on twitter last year, did you get two trending hashtags about it? Did you notice how my dislikes jumped when I made my Internet Haters video last month? The comments were all the same thing: Where’s Phil? When’s your next couple video with Phil? Why didn’t you mention Phil? Hell, we made a _fucking music video_ last year before we came out and I don’t think it got as much hype as this _current potential_  that we might _possibly hold hands_ in a video. It’s not how it works. And I want to keep making content and I want to keep pleasing the fans, but not this way, Phil. Not this way.”

“I can’t disagree with all of that,” Phil said quietly. “We don’t have to do the Christmas video.” He got up, grabbed his mug, and went into his room.


	8. January 2017

Hey guys,

This is something that is hard for both myself and Dan to talk about, so I’m going to just get right into it.  
You may have noticed that Dan and I have been a bit quieter about our relationship recently, and this isn’t an accident. When we came out seven or so months ago, we explicitly mentioned some things to keep in mind, and they haven’t really been followed as of late, causing us to feel more uncomfortable publicly sharing our relationship with all of you.   
For example, we feel like a large amount of you (not all of you, but a significant enough amount for it to be very noticeable on social media) have been focusing our relationship more than on ourselves - caring about “phan” and not Phil Lester and Dan Howell. We understand that it’s fun to ship people and obsess over cute moments in relationships (we’ve done the same, we promise) but it’s gotten to the point where our work and social media personas have been surrounded by our relationship, and we can’t be ourselves anymore.   
We want to share our lives with you, but ultimately it’s up to myself and Dan to select what parts of our life we share with the Internet and world as a whole. This may not always be as much as you want, but it really bothers us when our personal content gets less attention than our couple content. We’re still the same danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil that you knew and loved before we came out, and we want to keep making videos as ourselves - not just as a unit. But when we try to make that content, we get negative feedback, and recently, it’s overall getting more and more hurtful and concerning.  
We also asked that you all ignore our relationship in the past and focus on the present. We realize that everyone wants to know what happened from 2009-2015, but we are sad to see all of you sorting yourselves and fighting over what you believed our past was. We promise you that there’s no 100% correct answer - and that answer is for us to know and for you all to not find out. Imagine if someone nitpicked at your life, and constantly tried to figure out your past - we were different people six years ago, just like how most of you probably were.   
All of this has caused both of us to feel quite stressed. At first we noticed that we felt like we couldn’t be ourselves when we were around all of you, for fear of it being overanalyzed. Then we started noticing that even when it was just the two of us, we still couldn’t be ourselves. The distance that you’ve noticed between us on camera, or at events - it’s the same distance and coldness that we’ve been experiencing at home. We haven’t made many couple videos lately (or videos at all for that matter) because we haven’t had the energy to put on the act that you all seem to want. It exhausts us to process the various things being thrown at us by the media, straining our relationship. Our public life is starting to mix with our personal life, and not in a good way.  
Therefore, starting this week, Dan and I are going to be taking a little break from each other. We’re not breaking up in any sense - we just need to take some time away from each other to find ourselves again. To make this “away from each other” time hopefully quicker, Dan is going to stay with Charlie McDonnell (charlieissocoollike) in his new apartment, just so we can really get away for a little bit. We’re not mad at each other either - this was a mutual decision that was talked out very peacefully and we’ve been thinking about it for a while now.   
So what does this mean for our public life? We promise that both of us will continue making the same danisnotonfire and AmazingPhil videos you know and love. However, we’re not going to film any new DanAndPhilGames videos (we’ve filmed three videos before the move which will air throughout next week), and you’ll notice that we’ll probably stay away from each other on social media (although we will both continue to be on twitter/instagram/facebook/tumblr/etc.)   
We’d also really appreciate if you’d all think about what we said in the coming out video again, and remember that your actions online do have an effect on real people’s lives (which is just in general an important lesson to learn.) Please don’t badger us with questions about when we’re coming back - we’ll come back together when we’re ready, and we’ll be better than ever. And we promise, we will come back.

Thanks for reading and your respect in advance!  
Phil (and Dan)


	9. February 2017

Dan wasn’t able to sleep.

He found himself falling out of bed at around one a.m. every morning, his feet dragging him out of the door of the apartment and into the dark, concrete stairwell. Before his mind was awake enough to protest, he was climbing two flights of stairs and opening a small door to be greeted by the chilly evening air. The freezing temperature made him more alert, and he walked over to the edge of the roof, swinging his legs over the side and staring at the London skyline. The view of his old apartment was obstructed by two large skyscrapers, and he found himself turning around and looking in the general direction of Manchester, where it all began.

Dan had fallen in love with Phil when he first saw him - not in person, but on his YouTube channel, before Phil even knew he existed. He had talked to him for months, flirting and trying but never seeming to get through to Phil. He had started to doubt himself - started to wonder if this older boy was just pitying him, if all of his feelings were truly one-sided. After all, Phil was on one side of the camera, and his face was just something on Dan’s computer screen. But when Phil suggested that they should meet in person, Dan was over the moon.

He remembered their meeting like it was yesterday - the way they had almost tackled each other while hugging on the platform, the way Phil had looked at him as they were eating lunch, the way Phil had leaned in closer to him on the Manchester Eye, linking their hands together. And Dan didn’t realize how much he needed Phil until he had to leave him again on the Tube platform, tears in both of their eyes.

The constant visiting continued, and Dan noticed that Phil began to reciprocate more and more of his feelings. Hanging out turned into going on dates, hand holding into kisses, and nights over at each other’s houses became what Dan lived for. Private videos became their preferred method of communication when they were miles away from one another, and their Skype calls went on for hours at a time. When Phil’s lease was up and he needed to find a new apartment to live in, there was no doubt in either of their minds that Dan would join him.

Whenever they looked back on their history as a couple, Dan and Phil could never figure out when the real start to the relationship was - they just knew that they were meant to be together from the very beginning, platonic or not. As they got more and more intimate, the “what are we” conversations came up more and more, and when Dan asked Phil the question on a stormy night in the middle of October, Phil answered exactly what Dan was thinking: they were soulmates.

Although they had initially wanted to share their relationship from the beginning  with their viewers, they had decided against it, insisting that some things were best kept a secret. When they were together, it was their own, private, limitless world, something that would last forever - yet when talking to others neither of them thought it would last. Phil would move on like he had moved on from Charlie, and they would continue dating, like all college-age kids do. They were so young, had seen so many YouTube couples fall due to miscommunication and fan catering. So there was no harm in not telling anyone - it would make the inevitable breakup that much easier.

But the breakup never came, and soon it had been three years since they had met and one of those private videos, one of the videos that had brought them together back in 2010, began to tear them apart. Suddenly their private world had been shattered - there was no more boundary between their internet personas and their real selves. Dan began to panic, but with the help of Phil they came up with an explanation and passed it off as a simple joke. They felt cold, distant for a while, but they still had their private world. They still had each other.

And things had come back together and everything was okay and they were happy, they were happy enough to decide that maybe it was time to come clean once and for all. They knew they were forever, regardless of if they would ever do anything to legally signify that, and they wanted the world to share in their bliss. It had been six years since that freezing night, but Phil stood by his answer: They were soulmates. And since they were soulmates, this was the right thing to do. It was time to open up their private infinity just a bit, to let the world know how truly happy they were.

But the world took their forever and gave it a time limit. The world took their forever and dissected it, turning it into many messy sections of a far more beautiful whole.

Dan felt tears start to freeze onto his cheeks, and he knew he had to go back inside.


	10. March 2017

_dan pick up ur phone_

_What do you need?_

_Have you checked twitter yet today?_

_No, why?_

_There’s a phan project going on right now, thought you might be interested. It’s very unexpected (although it’s not like I’ve keeping up with them at all) and surprisingly thoughtful_

_*fan_

_really sorry about that_

_guess i forgot to turn my autocorrect off_

_Dan?_

_You have read receipts on, I can see that you’re seeing these._

Dan huffed and put his phone down on his kitchen table, before picking it up again less than a minute later.

_Phil?_

_Yeah?_

_What’s the hashtag for the...project?_

_It’s under #ThingsWeLoveAboutDan or #ThingsWeLoveAboutPhil. They’re both trending. I noticed there’s no #ThingsWeLoveAboutPhan. Like, at all._

_Interesting. Thanks for letting me know_

Dan opened up twitter and went to the trending page, starting with the tag about himself.

_**@infinidan: #ThingsWeLoveAboutDan i feel like we’re literally the same person. his videos are so relatable** _

_**@markipliered: #ThingsWeLoveAboutDan He’s so nice and considerate, and uses his talents for good (like #NicerInternet)** _

_**@coollike: #ThingsWeLoveAboutDan He’s a great flatmate. I spilled milk while making breakfast this morning and he cleaned it up before I could even grab a towel.** _

Dan chuckled at the last one, feeling a warm glow inside of him for the first time in a while. Out of curiosity, he found himself looking through the tag that was trending just below his.

_**@philstan: #ThingsWeLoveAboutPhil literally a ray of sunshine can u not he is my sON** _

_**@joshimdone: #ThingsWeLoveAboutPhil: His creativity! (cough @PointlessBlog)** _

_**@eleanortweetsyay: #ThingsWeLoveAboutPhil: What’s not to love?  I honestly cannot think of a single bad thing about Phil Lester.** _

_**@EvanEdinger: #ThingsWeLoveAboutPhil: Phil from the Future, right? For real though - I’m so lucky that a large majority of my fans are also fans of the amazing @AmazingPhil.** _

Dan knew he shouldn’t, and he believed Phil that these hashtags were overwhelmingly positive, but he found himself typing one more hashtag into the searchbar out of curiosity.

#ThingsWeLoveAboutPhan hadn’t been used since May 10th, 2015 - over a year before they decided to come out.

_**@phanfreak: #ThingsWeLoveAboutPhan they always say the funniest things when they’re together** _

_**@dandandandan: #ThingsWeLoveAboutPhan The constant creativity and positive vibes we get from both of them!!!** _

_**@halseymylove: #ThingsWeLoveAboutPhan at this point it doesn’t matter whether they’re a couple or not bc regardless they really love each other and us** _

Ten miles away, Phil heard a Twitter notification ding. He opened up his phone and sifted through the onslaught of mentions and replies before finding the tweet every single notification was mentioning.

_**@danisnotonfire: #ThingsWeLoveAboutPhil The way he can find positivity even in the worst of times. @amazingphil If you’re ready, I am.** _

_**@amazingphil: @danisnotonfire I’ve never been more ready.** _

 


	11. April 2017

_Hi, will you be over soon? Everything’s almost ready on my end._

_Charlie is helping me pack up the last of my boxes. I should be leaving his flat in about an hour, so I’ll be over in about an hour and a half._

_That sounds good. See you then ^_^_

Phil was in the living room, balancing his camera on the tripod. He peered through the viewfinder before turning on the lightbox and adjusting its angle ever so slightly. He wanted to film a little bit to double check the lighting and microphone quality, but first, he went into the kitchen and started to boil some water. He got two mugs out, balancing them on the kitchen counter, before grabbing two bags of English Breakfast tea. He wanted everything to be just right for when Dan came back, especially since he had some extra time.

He filmed himself saying nonsensical phrases to check the lighting, and then played it back on the camera. Out of curiosity, he found himself flipping through old footage.

The most recent thing on the camera was his newest AmazingPhil video, where he talked about disasters he’s had in shopping malls. Then their last DanAndPhilGAMES video, which continued their Fallout 4 series. But he kept scrolling through the footage, until he realized that he had stopped on footage of them, both sitting on Phil’s bed. He instantly realized what it was, and pressed play.

“Are you ready to do this?” Dan asked Phil.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Oh, come on, this isn’t a bad thing, this is going to be so good!”

“Yeah, I’m just nervous.”

“Why would you be nervous? You’re getting a weight off your shoulders!”

“I guess I’m just worried that people will take it the wrong way.”  
“Phil, people will take it the wrong way, but they’re called homophobes and bigots and they’re a dying breed.”

“No, not them.”

“Then who?”

“Don’t you worry that fans will like, obsess over our relationship?”

“That’s why we’re making this video, to set up all the rules ahead of time. Simple as that, and then we don’t have to do it as we go along.”

“Dan, we showed them about three minutes of our relationship by accident back in 2010, and that was more than enough for them to freak out.”

“Phil, we’re not going to be overly mushy like you were in that video.”

Phil blushed. “Oh, shut up!” he said, grinning.

“Come on. There’s a difference between us holding hands and kissing every once in a while and you basically asking for sex in the form of a video.”

“I mean, I was successful, wasn’t I?” Phil teased.

“Come on. And this is why it’s a good thing to come out. We’re going to get to have dumb conversations like this all the time.”

“No more watching the distance between us on the streets,” Phil smiled.

“No more having to drive forty minutes away from our flat just to go on a date.”

“No more having to book a double room when we go to conventions.”

“No more awkward conversations with security guards backstage where they make sure no one can see us holding hands.”

“Oh, I’m going to miss those awkward conversations,” Phil joked.

“I’m not. I always got all sweaty when I had to talk to those guys.”

“They’re there to help you!”

“They’re taller than us, Phil! And I’m like seven feet tall!”

Phil started laughing before taking a deep breath. “Dan? If you’re ready, I am.”

“I’ve never been more ready.”

“Ready?”

“Okay, now we’re just being redundant.”

“Fine. You start then?”

“Sounds good." Dan took one final deep breath.

"Hello, Internet. So I’m here with Phil, and we have a very important announcement for you all today.”


	12. May 2017

“Good morning babe!” Dan barged into Phil’s room, delicately balancing a tray on his left hand while propping the door open with his right. He flicked the lights on and off like a strobe light, almost blinding Phil.

“It’s six in the morning. The fact that I’m up right now does not make it a good morning,” Phil mumbled, hitting his nightstand while looking for his glasses.

“Well, I figured that since it’s absolutely awful that we have to wake up at six A.M. for our flight to America, I would make it a bit better by making you breakfast!” He stumbled over to Phil’s bed, placing the tray on his comforter. Dan had made four pieces of toast, four eggs, and eight pieces of bacon for the two of them to share, as well as two almost-overflowing cups of orange juice and coffee. Phil smiled.

“You never went to sleep last night, right?”

“Psh, what makes you think that? Do you not believe that I can wake up at five in the morning and make you such a glorious breakfast?”  
Phil just stared at Dan, smirking. “Yeah, I really can’t believe that. As in, it’s more likely that a reporter will try to ask us about sex again than you waking up at five in the morning.”

“Alright, maybe I didn’t go to sleep. And maybe I have a lot of coffee in my system. And maybe I’m a little delirious right now.”

Phil laughed as Dan sat cross-legged across from him on his bed. Dan started to dig into their breakfast, but Phil motioned him over. Dan crawled across the bed, sneaking under the covers, trying not to knock over the tray. He snuggled into Phil, and Phil put his arm around Dan. Dan rested his head just below Phil’s shoulder.

“You know, we probably can’t eat all twisted up like this,” Dan whispered.

“Oh, but I could stay like this forever.”

“The food’s gonna get cold!”

“Oh, shut up.”

“You wish.” Dan tilted his chin towards Phil, leaning in for a kiss.

“This is a good enough breakfast for me,” Phil smiled when they were done kissing.

“You’re disgusting. And also hungry for the wrong thing.”  
“What makes this wrong?” Phil smiled.

“Come on, I didn’t look up ‘how to make a perfect over easy egg’ at 4:30 this morning for nothing. That’s the sole thing that makes this wrong.” Dan replied, laughing.

They started to eat, silently devouring the food before Phil spoke up.

“So have you been on Twitter yet this morning? Because I remember last night some actor from some show we like did something and I think all of the fans are going to tweet us asking about our opinions on it, and there’s also that drama going on with Luke Cutforth that we should stay out of but at least be aware of, especially since we’re meeting fans tomorrow and they might bring it up and we need to know which side we take, and speaking of meeting fans, we should probably do at least an Instagram post about VidCon if not a couple tweets as well, because people always like to know when we arrive and stuff-”

“Phil?”

“Yeah, Dan?”

“Let’s just be with ourselves for a minute, okay?”

“But I thought that you always like to keep updated on what’s going on on the Internet.”

“Yeah, that’s true, I do like to stay informed and have opinions and stuff, but Phil? I would stop checking all of that just to hang out with you longer. If I could, I would give up everything else just to stay in the little moments we have. A month on Twitter is nothing compared to five minutes in your bed.”

Phil couldn’t stop smiling. “I feel the exact same way.”

And leaning into each other in the too-bright light of Phil’s bedroom, their breakfast carefully balanced on their knees while they stared into each other’s eyes, they knew that it was always going to be okay.

 


End file.
